…wherein I somewhat surreptitiously post more hyperlinks than complaints for a change.

In the past few weeks, a lot has happened. A music legend passed away, race has become a major issue to the news networks again, Fox was partially responsible for some more ridiculous bullshit regarding the cancellation/resurrection of a show, the economy’s still somewhat sketchy, people nationwide are shitting all over themselves because our new(ish) president (who ran on a campaign of change) wants to change the things he previously said he wanted to change (!!) and has proven unable to magically wipe away the country’s issues with a charismatic smile and a flourish despite the fact that his ability to construct a coherent sentence arguably garners him a better rating than a certain other leader, the company that makes Crocs appears to be in dire financial straits _{(mwUAha^HAHahAHA)}, eggs are good for you again _{(…or aren’t they?)}, coffee might actually not be that bad for you, tanning is like smoking a pack of cigarettes directly through your pores…

"It's the damnedest thing: ever since the family trip to the coast, Michael vomits at the sight of fried chicken..."

…and I think there may still be a war going on somewhere, although you’d be hard-pressed to hear about it from the media most days.

But let’s face it; you’re not here for any of that, and everyone with an internet connection and a keyboard is already blaring their opinions about all of those things on every other corner of the web. So, that said, instead of focusing on current “potentially relevant/interesting” events, I’m going to put on my best ‘crotchety old man’ face and proceed to get all Don Quixote on this bitch, railing away at the perceived slights inflicted upon me by any number of innocuous modern windmill analogues.

Not unlike this, but less literal, and with significantly more swearing.

Oh, and I’ll also be mixing metaphors, over-punctuating,  stretching sentences beyond their breaking point and rambling a lot… more than I already have thus far. If that sort of thing turns you off, why are you here, exactly?

—

-Ahem. Old man rant #1: Stop saying “past history.” Either cease all use of this phrase, or let’s all agree to start over-clarifying every term: “Here’s Tom, with the five-day future weather forecast of conditions that will be experienced outside…” or “How’d little Johnny do on his examination assessment test evaluation session at scholarship education school facility building for book learning?”

What, is that asinine and ridiculous? Huh.

Who first put this phrase in circulation, anyway? Was this linguistic seed of discord sewn by a careless time traveler visiting us from a future where the use makes sense? Was it started by someone insufficiently versed in the definition of the word ‘history?’ Seriously, though: to what other history would you be referring? What in the screwed blue hell are you talking about, that someone might think you weren’t talking about the past when you say “history?” Unless someone can present an amazing defense of this phrase, can we all agree to ban it from our collective vernacular?

—

-Speaking of banishing things, here’s old man rant #2; let’s all forget that Autotune ever existed. Stop using it. No, no. I don’t care. Quit. If you can’t sing, don’t record yourself singing. If you can sing, don’t use it. It’s been so incredibly abused as of late that even subtle pitch correction uses that were nigh undetectable before are now equal parts rankling and obvious. I’ve complained about Autotune before on other websites, and I’m certainly not the first to dispense hatred of this particular audio modification, but… oh, well. I may not be the earliest to arrive at this specific party, but I did bring a bottle of hooch. I’m…

…unsure where I was going with that, or how it was supposed to make sense.

The point still stands: it’s obnoxious, overused and it needs to go away.

"Autotune The News" gets a pass, though.

—

-”You damned kids, and your reality shows. Why, I remember when we had these things called writers, who made scripts, that had stories.” Sure, the ideas were inane most of the time anyway, but at least there was a modicum of effort involved in the process. The networks at least pretended to try to entertain us, beyond sticking various assholes in front of a camera and seeing what happened. If the goal of this programming was to convince me that humanity is a doomed experiment, then kudos. Really, exceptional work. Again, I’m not defending all scripted television; a lot of that’s utter drivel, too. All I’m saying is this: is anyone’s life enriched by seeing My Super Sweet 16?  Without resorting to a fairly heavy-handed cliche… directly… I’m going to just put it out there that it’s the kind of dreck that makes us look like shitheads in front of all the other countries. Just saying.

—

-…and while we’re on the subject of reality shows, that brings me right to old man rant #4: (Revenge of the Rantening) Celebrity worship. I don’t have any problem with respecting celebrities for their talent within their medium. What gets me is this notion that we can’t turn on the news or surf the internet for hardcore fetish porn uh, investment… advice… without having the daily lives of everyone who’s even remotely famous shoved down our throats. “Oh my God! The somewhat effeminate neanderthal who plays that glittery vampire is dating a co-star! Which one could it be? The drama! <gasp!> NAOMI WATTS DROPPED OFF HER DRY CLEANING!!!!!” Are that many of us actually so disconnected from reality that we have to be reminded that stars are actually human beings, who do ‘real people’ things?

Oh. Well, shit.

—

-Kanye. Self-proclaimed genius. Brags excessively, even by rap standards. Uses Autotune unabashedly. Publicly stated he’d “never want a book’s autograph,” then proceeded to release a book. The mark of a true genius is near immediate self-contradiction.

And I wonder... if anyone has said, "I would like to purchase this book for non-ironic purposes?" Then found themselves thinking, "Wow, this really is packed full of exceptionally original and insightful advice that I find useful and could not have figured out myself, and not at all a waste of my money?"

I know it’s most likely a schtick, but I honestly don’t care if it is or not; once you declare yourself a genius and throw multiple temper tantrums in public for not being recognized as God’s gift to humanity, I don’t hear another damned word that comes out of your mouth, especially if it’s tainted by Autotune or delivered in the form of a coffee table book full of barely literate attempts at a collection of bon mots that reads more like the result of a recent third grade drop out compiling a ‘book’ of half-assed, grammatically incorrect platitudes. Just so we’re absolutely crystal clear: I’m not taking a shot at his music; just his public persona, actions and published words.

...and his shutter shades.

—

-Stick with me, it’s the last one… Treatment of a singular collective noun as plural. “Microsoft are releasing a new service pack to remedy the spontaneous combustion issue experienced by some users,”

"It appears as though you are researching self-immolation. Would you like assistance?"

…or “Creed are getting back together? I would have thought they’d had enough of Scott Stapp‘s arrogant bullshit by now,” or “The class are going on a field trip to an abandoned abattoir.”

Now, it’s possible that I missed a lesson in every single English class I ever took throughout my years at public school (or perhaps those last two words elucidate my ignorance) or that this topic would have been covered in the final semesters of college from which I abstained. Maybe this is, and always has been, correct. Or…

Dinosaur Comics. Click to enlarge-arate-ify.

…maybe the proliferation of new technological avenues of communication have created a relaxed attitude towards language, or maybe it’s just that certain journalists started taking pages from British grammar (I’m looking directly at you, Rolling Stone) and readers have begun following suit. But I digress. Frequently.

I concede that you’re effectively talking about a group of people, but you’re referring to them as a coherent group, not a mass of individuals, with each one receiving equal emphasis. The group is the subject, and it are not fucking plural.

~ by tazehim on August 13, 2009.