What a job advertising must be.

I have a new favorite shitty television ad. Although, in all fairness, the television I watch tends to sit on the DVR for a while before I get to it, so it may not be what you’d call ‘timely.’ In which case, I say to you, “Piss off, it still sucks, and someone still thought it was a good idea at one time.” Then I feel bad for snapping at you, because I didn’t really mean to, and I know you weren’t trying to be a dick, but… whatever.

The media mavens behind the Joe’s Crabshack ad campaign have decided to let go of the wheel and see what happens. Either that, or they’ve been so busy nurturing their burgeoning love affair with Jagermeister and street corner cocaine that they weren’t listening when someone told them their commercials had to simultaneously pleasure the supple young bodies belonging to Common Sense and Good Taste. Sometimes, guys, you’ve got to put down the bottle, spit out that coke-laden phlegm in the back of your throat and place both hands firmly on the bosoms of your work.

No, seriously.

Click the image if it confuses you.

The ad starts off innocently enough; with a family of three (two parents and a young boy) sitting down to enjoy a dinner at their local Joe’s. The waiter walks up and says to the woman, “The usual, ma’am?” Now, apparently, the husband doesn’t eat there often, because he glances upwards with a look of mild confusion on his face. As he does so, he sees the waiter tussling the hair of the young boy who happens to be the spitting image of the waiter. As he looks back and forth between the two, rusty gears can be heard beginning to turn in his head as a gruesome truth is suddenly realized.

Now, the husband has slipped across the barrier between everyday existence and what’s usually classified as a ‘defining moment;’ the kind of point in life where the next action you take will forever alter the very fabric of your being and solidify exactly what kind of person you are. For example, he could completely lose his shit right there in the restaurant, call out his cheating whore of a wife, and denounce his bastard son before proceeding to beat the waiter into cocktail sauce (the macho alpha male or ‘insanity plea’ approach), play it cool, act as though he’s none the wiser, and begin planning the untimely demise of the wife, waiter, and the pre-pubescent ‘evidence.’ (the ‘Riker’s Island’ approach), or some third example that doesn’t include violence. Granted, I can’t think of one right now, but I’m sure it exists. What happens, however, is that he seems to give it half a moment’s thought, then shrugs and apparently resumes trying to translate the menu, which must be written in Swahili for all the attention he’s focusing on it (commonly known as the “Don’t matter, just gonna get some crabs.” approach).

What’s the point of this ad? Is it that men in general are so stupid and complacent that when presented with loads of evidence pointing to the infidelity of our wives and bringing into question the origin of our children’s genetic material, we’ll simply shake it off and focus on the only real matter at hand; whether to order oysters or clams? Is it that the staff at Joe’s is so friendly and helpful, they’d be more than happy to father your illegitimate children when not busy dressing like hippies and doing illicit drugs in the dishpit? Maybe it’s that the food at Joe’s is so Goddamned good, that you either don’t give a shit that the waiter has (on at least one occasion) probably done things to your wife that she’s never let you do, or you just don’t want to deal with it until after you’ve had at least three king crab legs and a Lobster Colada.

Personally, I’d like to believe it’s a combination of all of the above. In my mind’s eye, I envision a meeting between the ad firm and the company behind Joe’s, wherein the lead advertiser makes a pitch to the effect of;

“We really think you’ll like this spot! It shows that the staff is personable, good in bed and eager to please! It demonstrates that the food is so good people don’t care about anything but eating more of it. Besides, let’s face it, your target audience is borderline functionally retarded!”

They then show a rough cut of the commercial. Immediately after it concludes, the lead ad man steps in front of the television screen, and says ‘Now, we don’t have the graphic for this yet, but we’re thinking about a new slogan to go with the ad.” He places his palms together in front of his face, then spreads them excitedly, “Joe’s Crab Shack; So Good, We’ll Fuck Your Wife!”

The lead exec of Whatever Corporation looks up with a blissfully blank look in his eye that can only be described as transcendent, but is fading with each passing second thanks to the dawning realizing that he’s not alone, and that people are awaiting a response from him… “Well,” he sniffs a little, eyes darting furtively around the room and then rubs compulsively at his nostrils before continuing, “let’s run with that.”

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~ by tazehim on January 14, 2009.

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