Prelude to a million hangovers.

Ah, Friday… That magical time when a gleam starts to return to the eyes of corporate cubicle zombies everywhere, and liquor store owners start chuckling and rubbing their hands together in anticipation. When people everywhere begin to dream of washing away the week’s tribulations in a sea of vices; adrift carelessly in the midst of countless discarded bottles and cigarette butts, like so much flotsam. In honor of today’s stupendous implications to the world’s workforce, I bring you true tales of intoxication from around the globe, direct from the event to the reporter to the news desk to a website to another news website to my web browser to my WordPress to you! That’s like fourth or fifth-handed goodness! FREE!!

FREE!!

"FRIED PICKLES!!"*

First up in the drunkstravaganza (a bonifide real word according to both Firefox and WordPress spellcheckers), we have a ruling by Peru’s top court stating that a person may not be fired for being drunk at work. This ruling sounds like it could be great for some of the Peruvian workforce; you’re having a terrible day at work, so you grab a beer with lunch to de-stress. The glaringly obvious problem with this is that as you’re eating, you look over and see a cab driver, pilot, surgeon, and delivery driver all laughing it up over pint after pint, secure in the knowledge that their employers are unable to shitcan them for returning to work with a hearty buzz. Now, I’m sure there’s missing context, some excluded detail that we’re not getting here,and even if there isn’t, it doesn’t mean that doctors, pilots, and drivers can all work while smashed out of their minds, but still…

"Where's my shirt? I've got sur-ger-y in an whor-I mean an hour. Hour."

"Are you... my shirt? I've got sur-ger-y in an whore. Oop. I mean hour. Owwwerrrr."

Well, actually, here’s a story about the Chinese air force cracking down on their pilots drinking during lunch, and setting up breathalyzers at base entrances. Just out of curiosity, how many jeeps (and/or MiGs) were crashed before this had to happen?

As a bit of an aside, that last story also contains this little nugget about Chinese legislation; there are four degrees of accidents in China, with the least severe classification (‘average accidents’) resulting in less than three deaths, and fewer than ten injuries. What the hell kind of accidents are they having over there with such frequency that if two people die and nine are injured, the official response is “Meh, that’s not bad, that’s just Tuesday.”

Anyway, while we’re on the topic of occupational intoxication (or would that be getting paid to be drunk?), someone at UPS must have been hitting the sauce, because a Denton man awaiting delivery of a set of tools was sent a giant box of pot instead. The Dallas address to which it was supposed to be delivered didn’t exist, so when UPS couldn’t deliver, they figured they’d send it to a “similar address in Denton.” I can’t speak for other people’s experiences with UPS, but I’ve had multiple packages (addressed properly) get bounced around to oddball locations and held up interminably before delivery is finally attempted at 10:00pm on a Friday, when a notice is left that they’ve given up and I have to go pick it up myself or it will be returned to the sender. This particular package, however, is sent to a non-existent address, so a UPS employee decides to sleuth around until they find that the only similar(!) address is forty miles away, then ship it there? I still can’t decide if that’s outstanding service and dedication to the job, or horrible slackassery.

On a different note, here’s some advice; if you’re going to drink, don’t try to drive. Furthermore, you especially shouldn’t pull over and give the keys to someone even more drunk than yourself. Also, if you do somehow find yourself behind the wheel and over the limit, stopping immediately and calling someone to come get you is a good idea. Calling the police to come arrest you… Not so much.

Here’s a little blurb from Ireland that proves that there’s either a magic lawyer or the world’s first mentally retarded judge in the Killorglin District.

In November, a judge at Killorglin District Court in Kerry, Ireland, dismissed two DUI cases because the blood-alcohol readings were not administered properly. The suspects should have been isolated for 20 minutes before the test but had been permitted to use urinals, and the judge accepted lawyers’ arguments that “steam” from the urine might have wafted into the men’s noses and raised their readings. [Belfast Telegraph, 12-1-08]

If ‘potentially-inhaled one hundred proof urinal steam’ is a functional defense there, then fuck Macedonia; I want to practice law in Ireland.

Finally, thanks to a slow news day in England, here’s a list of 141 British euphemisms for ‘drunk.’

*Alternative captions; “WHY IS NO ONE HELPING ME!?”, or “It’s enema day!”, which is completely open to interpretation as to whether ole’ Matthew is horrified, surprised, thrilled, or sarcastic. In the end, though, fried pickles always win. Remember that.

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~ by tazehim on January 16, 2009.

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