Spiders are the devil’s miniature henchmen.

I recently stumbled across a story which really demonstrates why I do (as any reasonably intelligent member of the human race should) really hate spiders. Back in 2005, a British chef working in a pub kitchen was bitten twice on the hand by a Brazilian Wandering Spider (pictured below), which he promptly knocked off into the gaping maw of a nearby open freezer.

"What, bitch?! Bring it!"

Entomologists translate this body language roughly as, "What, bitch?! Bring it!"

After calling for medical assistance, he opened the freezer to ensure that the attacking arachnid was incapacitated, and not building a fort out of frost. Seeing that it appeared to be dead, he swiftly captured its still form in an empty jar, then took a picture of it on his camera phone.

Not wasting any time, and having (probably) learned from the mistakes of countless horror movie victims, his next move while waiting for help was to make sure the damned thing was at least five kinds of dead. Not content with the punishments already doled out, he poured boiling water over the beast before microwaving it. The report doesn’t specify, but I like to imagine he cackled maniacally while holding his injured hand and dancing around, hurling epithets at the microwave as the spider slowly rotated within.

When he arrived at the hospital, he was swelling, dizzy, and shaking, but the spider was observed by hospital staff to be moving around, and reportedly “struggling to get out of the jar.” Despite the fact that it was, in fact, a thirteen inch aggressive spider that had hospitalized a man before surviving being…

  1. …smacked across a room and into a freezer
  2. …frozen
  3. …captured in an airtight prison
  4. …boiled
  5. …and microwaved,

someone released it. Health officials were reportedly unconcerned, stating that it would probably die soon, on account of the cold weather outdoors. Right. Somehow I doubt a creature that just endured such a string of abuses would stumble out into the snow and succumb to the elements. At best, the hospital staff is responsible for loosing* a nigh-indestructible foot long venomous spider upon an unsuspecting populous, and at worst, somewhere an evil genius budding supervillain weeps silently over a homemade sign declaring a missing pet arachnid and vows to exact his revenge upon a society that shunned him.

In case you remain unconvinced that spiders, while valuable to the ecosystem, are sorely missed by their creator (THE DEVIL), here’s a photo of one of them eating a bird. That’s an insect. Eating. An animal. Also, I’d like to point out that the above link contains two separate stories of Australian spiders eating birds, which in addition to demonstrating a possible leap in the food chain which we should halt forthwith (using flamethrowers, if at all possible), also proves further that Australia hates you.

In case we’re not clear on my position on spiders… Fuck spiders. With red-hot pitchforks wrapped in barbed wire and dripping with acid. Right in their multiple shiny eyes. Twice.

*As in ‘to set loose,’ not “I suffer from an inability to spell, as well as a pervasive indolence, and so instead of using the internet, which I already use extensively and on a daily basis, predominantly to illustrate the shortcomings of others and satisfy my addiction to schadenfreude (which I achieve by viewing various videos and pictures, then crying  “FAIL,” or in the case of a truly grand showing of nonexistent prowess, “ZOMG TEH EPIC FAIL, LULZ”) as a means of improving my wordsmithery, I abuse the language routinely to such a degree that anyone with an education surpassing a third grade equivalency level feels a steadily growing urge to track me down in order to inflict violence upon me and cleanse the gene pool of my ignorance, lest I spread it further.”*2

*2 Yes, that is quite possibly the mother of all run-on sentences.*3

*3 Yes, that does make it a bit hypocritical. Or ironic?*4

*4 Either way, I never claimed not to be a hypocrite. In fact, I would point out that since I’m posting words to the internet, it’s almost a given that I am, indeed, quite the raving hypocrite.*5

*5 If this sort of rambling verbosity with the occasionally interspersed fictional word bothers you, I can tell you right now we’re not going to get along.

[Edit 01/27/09] After reading this, my darling wife has brought it to my attention that she is a fan of spiders, and admonished me for such stern rhetoric against them. After I pointed out that I had not only been tasked by her to kill a fair share of them in the course of our relationship, but that I had even seen her kill one or two herself, she coyly responded “…but if they crawl on me, they’ve violated my personal space and must be punished.” Which, in addition to demonstrating just how adorable she is, further proves my point. Even my wife, who is usually the last to advocate violence against any living creature (and a self-proclaimed friend of spiders), believes in terminating them with extreme prejudice should they commit the unforgivable sin of touching her.

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~ by tazehim on January 23, 2009.

3 Responses to “Spiders are the devil’s miniature henchmen.”

  1. I would just like to let you know that I find your blog fascinating, clever, horrifying, hilarious and extremely addictive. Its wit is only exceeded by its, i think, very rightful pretension. Well written, sir!

  2. Thanks for the kind words! Life is a toaster.

    I can assure you, any implication of pretension on this blargh is a mere illusion caused by a poor “self-deprecation/verbose rambling” ratio, combined with my general frustration and tendencies to rant.

    Now I’m going to spend an extra hour scrutinizing every post, wondering if it appears to be dripping with pretension.
    …right after I get done agonizing over whether or not this comes off as pompous.

    Insecurity and productivity are not good bedfellows.

  3. Damnit, that does sound pretentious, doesn’t it?

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