On my recent absence.

It may cross your mind to wonder where I’ve been lately, and, of possibly greater importance, why I haven’t been online, answering my phone, at various bars, or posting anything to the internet. Below, I present to you, in my usual fashion, several possible explanations.

  • I’ve been on assignment as part of a rotation program with various domestic intelligence agencies. I’d tell you more, but it would require me to commit a very serious (not to mention violent) cliché.
  • I was experimenting with time travel and instead of going backwards, I accidentally went very slightly forwards in time, which destroyed the only prototype of my machine and caused all blueprints and design notes to burst into flame, therefore trapping me in this new, hellish future reality.
  • As part of a plea bargain, I was expressly forbidden from interacting with any form of technology more advanced than a toilet for several days. Justice is an unkind, slightly smelly dance partner, with an overabundance of chest hair protruding from a cheap shirt.
  • I was acting as a missionary to an impoverished, war-torn nation. It’s all about the children.
  • I was on a high profile jury which was sequestered during deliberation. You’ll be glad to know we ruled in favor of “Less filling,” although it took quite a long time to convince my fellow jurors.
  • The medical trial in which I had been participating produced some… less than desirable side effects. My lawyer assures me I won’t be held responsible for any of my actions during what I’m referring to as “the bad man days,”  and furthermore, he’s seeing dollar signs.
  • I was murdered in the library, with the candlestick, by Professor Plum. Or was I?!
  • While scouring the deepest, darkest corners of the internet in a desperate attempt to find something, anything, about which to post, I encountered an image so vile, so repugnant, that my mind recoiled in horror, and I fell into a coma, during which my subconscious was hard at work erasing the memories of both the actual content, and how to find it. I’m now the world’s first living Googlephobic.
  • I fell asleep while editing a draft of a new post, became a conduit to the netherworld and ended up automatic writing something which apparently summoned some pretty nasty spirits. Long story short, I’m not getting my deposit back.
  • I formed a cult. Didn’t work quite like I’d planned.
  • Apparently, several years ago, while at a bar in Minneapolis, I signed a form stating that I did willingly enlist in the People’s Reserve Militia. I don’t recall doing this, but they seemed quite insistent that it was a binding document. Yada, yada, yada… the town was liberated, I’m back.
  • I fell victim to particularly violent domestic abuse, and the resulting head trauma caused me to believe I was a thirteen year old circus performer named “Mitzi.” This would not have been so calamitous had there not been a group of traveling performers filling up at the Fina down the street.
  • I was abducted by aliens. From Peru. Nice guys. A bit confused, but nice people nonetheless.
  • I contracted the flu. Nasty business, that. Almost every symptom you can get without going to the emergency room rolled into one illness.
  • As an early birthday present, my wife enrolled me in The Game. I was robbed, shot, drugged, and left for dead in Mexico, and all I got was a t-shirt and a hefty bill.
  • Some thirty-something emo ‘kid’ with an evil laugh kidnapped me and held me hostage in a secret lair. I escaped during a particularly long shoe-gazing session.
  • While drumming along to a Danny Carey instructional video, I accidentally discovered a groove that badly warps the space-time continuum. After several years in an alternate reality, I managed to return, and spent the entirety of the time between my departure and approximately thirty minutes ago repairing the dimensional rift. You’re welcome. I expect never to pay for alcohol again.
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~ by tazehim on February 2, 2009.

2 Responses to “On my recent absence.”

  1. Nice reference to The Game, you should get Michael Douglas to split that bill with you.

  2. Thanks for the push at the end, by the way. They should have known from the start that I wouldn’t jump.

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