Public Service Announcement

I write to you today to make you aware of a new menace which is becoming increasingly serious, a new weapon that is currently being leveled against global figureheads. If we don’t take this newest threat seriously, and in one collective voice plead with our respective nations’ leaders to stop this atrocity before it grows further, it may well be too late. I’m speaking, of course, of the growing danger of shoe attacks.

Equal parts fashionable and dangerous. Also, available in your choice of color.

Equal parts fashionable and dangerous. Available in your choice of color.

When it happened to George Bush, the world laughed, and felt we were right to do so. “That shit was funny,” we said, and then we went on to make jokes about how you could say what you wanted to about Bush’s qualifications as a leader, but his cat-like reflexes were something at which one should not scoff.

Then it happened again, this time to Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. “Who,” we asked, brushing crumbs of hastily-eaten Doritos from our shirts. We did not know, so we looked to wikipedia, for it is wise beyond our comprehension, and has a vast wealth of facts which are beyond bias, above reproach. He is the “People’s Premier,” and has a commoner image which separates him from the rest of the Chinese politicians. We know this to be true, because not just anyone may edit the information on wikipedia, and the Chinese government takes a hard-line stance against censorship and underhanded manipulation of facts.

Now the Israeli ambassador to Sweden has become the latest in a growing number of victims of footwear-related violence. Where does this sad chapter of human history end? How do we ensure that this trend stops here, before the common citizen is afraid to leave their home without protective headgear?

I propose that we require all citizens to apply for and register all shoes, and enact an immediate ban on shoes in public places. If people want to invite tragedy into their homes by allowing these implements of cranial indentation, that’s their business, but the average person on the street should not have to live in fear of being flogged with flip-flops, bullied with boots, mauled with moccassins, shanked with stilettos, lambasted with loafers, clobbered with clogs, or pounded with pumps.

Furthermore, I say we need a total ban on “assault style” shoes, using the following guidelines;

  • Steel-toed shoes may only be acquired with a specific license, and after a waiting period of three (3) business days, during which an extensive background check will be conducted.
  • No heels may be manufactured, sold, or possessed that are deemed to come to a point, as carefully defined by a senate subcommittee.
  • No shoes may possess soles thicker than half an inch. “Platform” style footwear is restricted.
  • “Crocs” are to be collected and destroyed by a newly formed police agency. Anyone found to be harboring “Crocs” after the grace period will be subject to fines, execution and/or indefinite incarceration.
No.

No.

Please join me in putting a stop to footwear-related violence. Remember, if someone says to you “shoes don’t wang people on the head, people do,” then that person is an idiot, and possibly a dangerous shoe owner whom you should report at once.

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~ by tazehim on February 5, 2009.

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