News you can use. For absolutely nothing.

I’ve been feeling particularly uninspired all week, so here’s some shit I couldn’t make up from various news agencies. Every link below is the actual article headline. Enjoy your weekend!

  • Nuclear submarine collision reported.”

I realize that a collision couldn’t set off the nukes these vessels are carrying, but doesn’t it make you just the teensiest bit uncomfortable to realize that two of probably the most powerful mobile weapons platforms in the world, each capable of unleashing enough devastation to destroy or irradiate an unhealthy portion of the planet, just got into a wreck? I realize they’re supposed to be extremely stealthy. I know they’re supposed to be undetectable, but shouldn’t they (without pinging away on their active sonar) be able to realize they’re about to run into something? Can we get to work on that? It’s 2009; what say we make sure our underwater apocalypse providers can see where they’re going, eh guys? Oh, and where are our damned submacopters? DARPA, I’m looking in your direction!

That's right, bitches.

  • You’re in big trouble now, Mr. License.”

Dublin police realized yesterday that every time they had ticketed someone Polish for traffic violations, the name they took down, “Prawo Jazdy,” was actually the Polish for “Driver’s License”. The best part? This happened over fifty times before someone caught on. That’s some damned fine policing, lads.

  • Bullet proof weave surprises stylist.”
Fashionable and protective.

"This just in; I pose a choking hazard."

A reporter who (in what I’m guessing is not a coincidence) has hair like a lego person tells the tale of a woman who was shot at multiple times by an ex boyfriend after she revealed that *gasp* she didn’t love him anymore. Naturally, the ex responded by shooting her. Imagine her surprise when she was not only unhurt, but when police later extracted a bullet from her hair weave. I’ll admit I don’t know much about weaves, but if they’re capable of stopping bullets, they’re A) magic, B) kevlar or C) the work of the devil. Granted, none of those choices are mutually exclusive, so I don’t rule out a combination of the three.

  • Woman uses super wedgie to stop theif.”

Actually, that pretty much says it all. A Utah woman chased down a theif, tackled him, and wedgied him until police arrived. The story does not indicate whether or not she applied purple nurples to the perpetrator.

  • Juju Juggles: Vaginas.”

In her blog for ABC News, Juju Juggles, (which is not nearly as provocative as it sounds) this week, we have a Cloverfield-style shaky cam interview with a doctor who says women who don’t remain sexually active past a certain age won’t be physically able to engage in sex. Fine, but what in the unholy hell is with the introduction sentence? “There’s more to vaginas than dialogue?”

To be a fly on the wall for that conver... no, nevermind. That crossed a line somewhere, I'm sure.

Well, I'll be damned, they DO dialogue.

Is that a subtle way of saying that older women should do something with their fiddledy bits besides just talk to them about their neighbor’s suspicious habits, or the rising cost of prescription medications? Does menopause lead to anthropomorphizing the genitalia, and carrying on pseudo-schizophrenic conversations with them? If so, that’s the first I’m hearing of it, and to be honest, it freaks me out a bit lot.

  • Boy marries dog to ward off tiger attacks.”

    The true face of fear.

    "Aw, for cryin out... Sheila, go get Mr. Boots, I'm going to call a priest."

An Indian village married an infant to a dog to prevent the child’s inevitable death by tiger which was foretold by the location of the baby’s first tooth.

Fuck it. there’s absolutely nothing I can contribute to that sentence.

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~ by tazehim on February 20, 2009.

One Response to “News you can use. For absolutely nothing.”

  1. […] now for something completely different! In other news: forget kevlar weaves, this woman’s bra stopped a bullet. Well, specifically, the underwire in her bra deflected a […]

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