Further Observations From The Road

-There was a Scion in front of me a couple of weeks ago with the words “WHAS ME PUTO” scrawled across the back window in dirt. While it’s no “TRY HADRER,” the sheer anger behind it outweighs any lack of spelling or humor. I couldn’t see the driver, but I’d like to imagine it was someone unbelievably white, who later had to google the word “PUTO,” and was utterly shocked by its translation. Yeah, I doubt it too, but whatever. Oh, and yes, I fully advocate stealing the verb usage of the word google from its brand name*; it’s already way too late to stop it, and if it gets used enough as a synonym for its function, it may prevent enforcement of the trademark, which I think is pretty damned amusing.

It's our word now, bitches!

It's our word now, bitches!

It happened to Bayer with Acetylspirsäure when they gave it an even longer official name to discourage calling it anything but the brand name “Aspirin,” which can now be used by anyone. Xerox, kleenex, and band-aid have had issues with this, we’re trying to do it with coke in the southern parts of the U.S. (where no one, and I mean no one says “soda” or, God forbid, “pop,” unless they just moved here or are being ironic), and besides, google’s a catchier verb than yahoo, ask jeeves (with its inherent grammatical confusion; “Go ask jeeves it!”), lycos, or altavista. And that, dear friends, is what you call a tangent.

-I don’t understand the motivation to get vanity plates; nothing says ‘You’re behind a free thinker attempting to express their creativity and individualistic nature’ quite like something with the word ‘vanity’ in the title. However, they do give me the occasional chuckle, when they’re not causing me irrational aggravation. A couple of these were found online, because I couldn’t resist including them, but the majority are ones I’ve actually seen recently (and subsequentally remembered to write down).

  • 2SPICY – I try very hard to avoid making snap judgments about people’s character. Humans are complex organisms, and there’s so much to what makes up who we are that it’s nearly impossible to ever truly know anyone, much less sum them up succinctly. That being said, when you see a small sporty coupe with this license plate, it’s easy to assume that the owner of this car is nowhere near as incredible as they’ve lead themselves to believe, and hope for their sake that they’ve invested well, because banking on your sexuality only gets you so far in life before you crash, collagen-inflated-lips-first, into a brick wall of leathery skin, financial destitution and intense loneliness. Now then, I’m sure that plate probably just belongs to a Cholula fanatic or a jalapeño farmer’s wife.

    If God uses hot sauce, I'm betting this is it.

    If God uses hot sauce, I'm betting this is it.

  • MOSCOW – I’m genuinely curious. Ambassador? Russian expatriate? Yakov Smirnov?
  • WHASUP – “I bet you’re subjected to a lot of sobriety tests.” Stunned silence ensues… “Wha… how’d you know?!”
  • FFFFFF – On a white car. If you laughed at that, you’re a big ol’ nerd. (Not judging; if I hadn’t laughed at it, do you think I would have included it here?)
  • TRY TOFU – You know what, I will. Your extremely persuasive license plate has caused my entire worldview to change. I now see the error of my carnivorous ways, and will henceforth denounce meat in all its forms. Until I see anything that even remotely suggests meat is good, because that’s just how malleable I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, talk radio is telling me what I think.
  • NOMOW – I’m guessing the driver is just absolutely adamant about his hatred of mowing lawns. You really don’t want to get that guy started. On the plus side, he does do his part to stimulate the neighborhood preteen economy; plus, he tips well.

    Seriously.

    Or it's a reference to the former president. Whatever.

  • IAM1337 – It’s bad enough that ‘13375p34k’ has infected most corners of the internet, but every time it rears its ugly, stinking head in the physical world, another reality show is greenlit**. As a corollary, every time someone actually utters “LOL” aloud (ironically or not) Ryan Seacrest’s career is extended by another six months.
  • DSEXMCN – I was actually pretty impressed with this one at first, because I was thinking it was supposed to be “Deus ex machina,” and it didn’t dawn on me until literally just two seconds ago, when I actually typed it out and saw it on the screen, that it’s far, far more likely to be “De sex machine”. I never once claimed to be intelligent.

-Going home last week, I saw a pickup whose owner, I think, just picked up a truck accessory catalog, dialed the 1-800 number and said “Yes, please. Here is my credit card number. I would like express shipping.”

-I’m always intrigued by bumper stickers. Now, I don’t just mean a car with one or two tastefully displaying fandom of a particular band or brand of whatever kind of equipment (although, to paraphrase the late Dimebag Darrell on the topic of why not to decorate your band’s van, nothing says “Strip search me” like a Jane’s Addiction bumper sticker) I’m referring to those few who elect to apply stickers so liberally to the rear window and/or bumper that one wonders whether or not they’re load bearing. Personally, I’m of the mindset that the more innocuous your vehicle is in appearance, the better. There’s almost no harm that can come of blending in just that little bit extra when you’re mired in traffic. On the flip side of that coin, I’ve got this indelible paranoia that if I begin affixing stickers displaying my various views on all matters political, religious, and social, then I’ll draw the ire of some road raging maniac who will promptly run my ass into a ditch. I always see ‘random’ road violence on the news; who’s to say it’s not aggravated by the presence of self-righteous, preachy bumper stickers?

-I’ve noticed a few cars that share the same commute with me, at least for several miles. I’ve noticed “2SPICY” on more than one occasion, and there’s a pickup with a “NUKE THE KOOKS” bumper sticker on it’s rear windshield that I see at least once a week on the highway. I’m always curious about whether it’s a reference to the band The Kooks, or just a blanket statement about the general lack of radioactivity in your garden variety lunatics.

Nothing a little explosive irradiation won't clear right up.

Nothing a little explosive irradiation won't clear right up. Also, stop staring at me; you've got the bug eyes.

*Another example of a proper noun for which I advocate alternate non-brand name usage:

tetris (v)-To load a large amount of objects into a small space, esp. when done quickly and without the need for subsequent adjustment. (i.e. “Thanks for helping me load out. Just sit it on the curb, I’ll tetris it all in there.”)

tetris (n)-The arrangement of a group of items in an enclosed space, esp. such that they all fit perfectly. (i.e. “We should have put the bass drum in the car first, now the tetris is all fucked.”)

(The above text is also a link to Tetris HD. Paul started a copy of it running without any interaction at 4:26pm CST on Monday. I’m going on record with a guess of 17 hours until it ‘loses.’)

**Fun fact! This line originally read “Satan uses a newborn bunny as a golf ball,” but I didn’t feel either had enough impact.

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~ by tazehim on March 16, 2009.

2 Responses to “Further Observations From The Road”

  1. […] Read the original here: Further Observations From The Road […]

  2. […] maryanndevine@smartsandculture.com wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptA couple of these were found online, because I couldn’t resist including them, but the majority are ones I’v … If God uses hot sauce, I’m betting this is it…. […]

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