Vampire Confusion and Alternative Intoxication

I know it’s been getting to be very near April Fool’s day, but… come on.

Officials at a semi-prestigious Boston school have recently gone on record as saying that they are not, I repeat not, currently experiencing a problem with vampires.

That’s a perfectly rational press release, right?

Next up, Dallas city officials state that the threat of zombie apocalypse is, and always has been, quote, “completely nonexistent.” This comes only days after the controversial announcement by Gulf of Mexico fishermen, who stated that in fact, many historical maps stating “here there be dragons” were actually incorrect. Historians have remained reluctant to comment. Moving on to international news, the nation of Azerbaijan reports the death toll associated with the Chupacabra is still a resounding zero point zero.

I could leave it at that, and still be pretty damned amused by this ‘news,’ but what makes this story even more priceless is that all of this has been

For a teen sex symbol, that guy looks an awful lot like an effeminate neanderthal.

For a teen sex symbol, that guy looks an awful lot like an effeminate neanderthal.

attributed to the recent film “Twilight,” which is essentially the equivalent of a love story between an extremely delicious (underage) steak and a (creepy, centuries old) man on a vegan diet (with some vampire baseball thrown in for ‘good measure’). Point being, it’s not exactly documentary material. I don’t think anyone left a theater terrified that vampires were going to kill them. 30 Days of Night it was not.

I suppose it’s also funny that a bunch of teenage exam school students who are supposed to be subjected to a very rigorous selection process for application, including a broad spectrum of prerequisite subjects of study, have apparently not covered such topics as “Vampires are fictional, and therefore, most assuredly not at your school.” Also, the fact that absolutely none of their classmates had turned up dead by exsanguination or suddenly had trouble appearing at school during daylight hours apparently escaped their steel-trap minds.

It’s also at least a little bit hilarious that the rumor got so out of control that the police had to come speak to the students, telling them not to harass goth kids, because, as it turns out, they actually aren’t undead. Which, of course, ended up fanning the flames by making the students think the police were actually there to arrest the vampire(s), and the speech was just a cover. I’m not sure which implication of that I find more amusing; that the kids thought the way to deal with vampires is to arrest them, or that they think their police are capable of handling an infestation of mythological undead.

Less neanderthal, less effeminate, less teen sex symbol. Go figure.

Less neanderthal, less effeminate, less teen sex symbol. Go figure.

On the other hand, it could very well be that these kids are much smarter than anyone (most of all, me) is giving them credit for, and they’re actually putting one over on all the administrators who are taking this seriously, having a good laugh at the gullibility of their supposed betters, since there was an episode of South Park a while back that played out quite a bit like this.

Best to steer clear of all Hot Topic stores in the Boston area for the time being, just in case a bunch of goth kids decide to burn them down in order to quell the tide of ‘vampires.’ Actually, that’s not terrible advice anyway… The “avoiding Hot Topic” part, not the whole burning them all down thing. I typically steer away from advocating arson.

On a slightly less mythic topic… Monday afternoon, a Warsaw member of parliament was pulled over and confidently submitted to a sobriety test, which he promptly failed. When officers measured his blood alcohol level, they found it to be a startling 0.7. For reference, this BAC chart lists your intoxication level at 0.4 as being “unconsciousness” or “death.” Party!

"Wait. Wait... Wait. Didjoo say... something? Wait, no, party! Yes."

"Wait. Wait... Wait. Didjoo know buffalo are hard to hug? Wait, no... Parteee! Yes. That is all."

Here’s a fun fact about Poland; the legal limit for DWI there is 0.2 (as opposed to the relatively puritanical 0.08 we have here), which, on the BAC chart, shows up just under the wire from experiencing “stupor, loss of understanding, severe motor impairment, loss of consciousness, and memory blackout.” That’s either amazing or absolutely horrific. Or equal parts both.

Probably both.

Now, I’ll grant that BAC levels don’t take into account factors such as individuality or tolerance (or “liver damage…”), and I’m sure that a blood alcohol level that may have my mother laughing hysterically at everything and speaking nonsense would barely even be noticed by, say, Keith Richards or Doug Stanhope. My point is this; 0.7 may not have indicated a high enough blood/Jager ratio to sedate a rhino, but it wasn’t an afternoon at the church ice cream social, either. All of which brings me to the man’s defense; apples. He maintains that he had not been drinking at all, but that he “ate several apples before driving.”

"Oh, man... we're gonna get sooo wasted, bro!"

"Oh, man... we're gonna get sooo wasted, brah! I'm gonna eat... like... 15!"

Did I sleep through a public service announcement somewhere along the way? Did I just happen to miss all the cool kids’ apple benders during my younger days? Has the internet done me a grave disservice by keeping this amazing fact of culinary and biological science from me for all these years? The last time I ate a ton of apples… Well, wait. That’s never happened.

In fairness, the defendant claims that this is related to his diabetes, so there may be something to it that I’m just overlooking. Now, I’ve heard enough stories about people having diabetes-related health complications while driving to know that A) it happens, and B) it’s not funny. However, my extensive research into (read as: the fifteen minutes I just spent googling) the concept of diabetes giving a false high BAC level, combined with the fact that the defendant is a “lawmaker,” lead me to believe it’s a load of plop.

If I’m wrong, though, this may be the world’s best reason to overload on sweets; the eventual ability to get lambasted on an excess of fresh fruit. You know, if you just overlook the dependence on insulin and greatly heightened health risks. That seems like a perfectly fair trade, right?

Also, I would like to point out that I just blathered on and on regarding intoxication via apples, and at no time did I reference “getting applesauced.”

Unless you count that.

Shit.

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~ by tazehim on April 1, 2009.

3 Responses to “Vampire Confusion and Alternative Intoxication”

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