Food Porn for the Chemically Imbalanced

A Michigan minor league ballpark offering a burger of unusual size has been targeted by a vegan watchdog group requesting that they provide stern warnings to those who may be considering taking on the four pound cheeseburger behemoth.

I think that bears repeating.

A health advocacy group is officially stating that they’re concerned for the health risk posed by eating a burger that (most notably) contains:

  • Five patties
  • Five slices of cheese
  • Chili
  • Nachos (!)
  • Enough fat to make Richard Simmons weep uncontrollably

Thanks for the warning. Is it really necessary to warn people that it’s unhealthy to eat something that looks like this (the burger, not the man):

Suddenly, the Pepto Bismol song's running through my head.

Now that Pepto Bismol song's running through my head. Great.

All I have to say is that if you’re the type of person who sees a four pound hamburger that contains an additional two entrees between the buns and more calories than you’re supposed to consume in three days, and your first instinct is to eat it all in one sitting, then you probably waved “bye-bye” to health a long time ago, and you’re not one to let a warning label stop you.

In the interest of public safety, I’ve taken upon myself the enormous burden of gathering a list of other things that you probably shouldn’t eat all at once.

  • Chicken fried bacon. As seen in the following picture. I honestly can’t decide if it looks terrifyingly awful or mind-alteringly delicious.

    Now, with more grease!

    Now, with more grease!

  • Redneck Sushi.” So called because of the ‘similarity’ of its appearance to a sushi roll when sliced and served. Also called “The Ultimate Fattie”
  • Porkgasm.” You also probably shouldn’t scroll all the way down on that link; it’s a recipe for making an anatomically correct pig replica out of pork products, and the “inside [is] just as realistic as the outside.” Yeah, that’s visually as bad as it sounds.

I promise, I’m not picking on pork products exclusively. I harbor no ill will towards pig meat. Or meat, in general, for that matter. It’s just that when you peruse the internet for unhealthy foods, pork comes up more often than, say… rutabagas or… bean sprouts.

In the interest of fairness, here are some things not containing pork, that you’d do well not to consume.

  • Spoons. The linked article begs the question of why one would have spoon in mouth while eating spaghetti in the first damned place. Maybe I’m doing it wrong, but that’s typically an “only-forks-go-in-the-face” kind of cuisine.
  • White Castle Homestyle Onion Rings. Seriously? Yes. I’ve never so much as seen a White Castle in person, and until 2004, I was under the impression they were simply a purveyor of frozen products. But yeah, I’ve got to say, when there’s a list of the eighty-eight death-by-fat-inducing fast foods, and the number one item is nearly twice as bad as the next closest item… You maybe ought to steer clear, is all.
Not pictured: paramedics.

Not pictured: the aftermath. Oh, sweet mother of God, the aftermath.

  • Kittens. Multiple reasons for this, really, PETA and hairball logistics notwithstanding.
  • False Teeth. This involved “creative kissing.” I really can’t explain to you just how much I don’t want to know the details of what lead to this.
  • Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger. Yes, damnit, there’s pork, deal with it. The picture on that website is too brutal to embed. You’ll have to click through to see its epic artery-cloggery (not to be confused with jiggery-pokery, which, for the record, is an incredible term; God bless the Brits for their contributions in the field of intelligible gibberish.). It honestly makes me a bit nauseous.

Throughout the course of my scouring the internets (that’s right, even the secret ones you don’t know about) all in the name of the public good, I stumbled upon the website It’s where I found the donut/bacon/beef collision linked above, and I’ll warn you now, there are things on that site you can’t unsee.

Keep in mind this is coming from a person who’s seen all the disgusting internet memes that have gone around. Yes, even that one.

That being said, if you’re into food porn, knock yourself out, just keep it away from me. Scanwiches is odd enough for me, thanks.


~ by tazehim on April 9, 2009.

2 Responses to “Food Porn for the Chemically Imbalanced”

  1. Hi, good post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for posting. I will definitely be subscribing to your posts.

  2. So… that’s clearly spam, but I couldn’t resist approving it because of the inherent appropriateness of someone spamming this particular post with links to weight loss products.

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