The Striking Similarities Between Live Music and Sex

Sometimes, you’re just going about your day when an epiphany hits you. Completely out of the blue, it comes loudly screaming out of left field like some rabid, maniac outfielder who appears to have mistaken baseball for manslaughter, and you’re not even aware that you were playing, but PCP and rational thought are pretty much mutually exclusive pursuits. So this frothing, ridiculously asinine metaphor of an idea hits you, and damned if you’re able to think about anything else; you just keep coming back to it, and it’s getting bigger and bigger and somehow more ridiculous and before you know it, it wasn’t a homicidalunatic baseball player at all, but a Goddamned six-ton, robot-hobo-rhino-ninja-bear death-metal-album-cover of a thing that was determined to convince you that the only word worth a damn throughout the history of creation is “fuckowwwwwwww.

Or… something like that. I forget where exactly where I intended to go with that.

Anyway, somewhere during my day, after receiving horrific pictures of a seething mass of impossibly-large baby spiders and consequently scouring my brain with a concentrated dose of CuteOverload, I realized that performing live music is a lot like having sex: You have to just be confident and do it with gusto, otherwise they’re definitely not gonna go for it, and there’s absolutely no sure way to be certain ahead of time whether the response is going to be “EW WHAT IS THAT STOP NOW,” or “YES! oh, yeah, that’s nice.

From there, the similarities just kept piling up:

  • When it’s good, it borders on a religious experience. When it’s bad, it’s just not fun at all for anyone involved.
  • While it’s entirely possible to make a living doing it, you’re going to have to really sell yourself and in general, do a lot of things you’re just not ever going to be comfortable with.
  • The people who do make a living at it are usually pretty good looking, but also really seem like there’s a possibility that they’re actually inventing new VDs as they go along.
  • There are only certain places where you’re really allowed to do it, and others where it’s not particularly encouraged or permitted, but people can be found doing it anyway.
  • There’s some science to it, but it’s mostly based on creativity and intuition, and can’t really be taught; at the end of the day, you’ve just got to learn for yourself.
  • While it can be a good idea to leave your audience craving more, absolutely no one’s satisfied by a performance that’s too short.
  • Jam/Prog. bands and drug users take note, though, there is such a thing as carrying on for too long, and it’s just as bad.
  • It’s easy to look completely and totally ridiculous while doing it without realizing it, but if you’re doing it right, no one really notices.
  • Solo performances can be compelling to watch, but mostly, it’s really just not something anyone needs to see. Involve someone else who knows what they’re doing, and it gets much better right away.
  • There are some people who are just phenomenal from the first time they try it, and never have a single shred of insecurity about their ability; they tend to be jerks. Conversely, there are people who spend countless hours practicing alone, and just don’t get any better; they tend to be awkward loners. No one’s really too fond of people in either category.
  • Occasionally, you may see someone out there just absolutely going to town, using things you’d never, ever, ever have considered using in that way. Sometimes they’re geniuses. Usually, though, they’re just lunatics.
  • You can record yourself doing it, but chances are that when you review the footage, you’re going to notice something that you’re not going to like. Unless everyone participating is really good at it, no one else needs to see video of it. Ever.
  • It can be fun to try it out with new people, and you may even pick up some new tricks while you’re at it; just be advised that someone is probably going to be upset.
  • You can only have so many people participating without it turning into a ridiculous free-for-all that leaves everyone feeling at least a little embarrassed and awkward.
  • You can consider yourself an innovator all you like, but if you just search the internet long enough, you’re bound to find someone doing the exact same thing, only better. And if they’re not, you’re probably some kind of sick weirdo.
  • Stopping in the middle for a solo almost never entertains anyone but yourself; no matter what you may think, no matter how good at it you may be, you’re just masturbating.
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~ by tazehim on September 17, 2010.

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