At the ripe age of three, while attempting to decipher the Voynich Manuscript a tangential line of research lead me to discover the “God Particle,” but I promptly was distracted by an object that was far shinier and substantially less wee. It could be argued that such an event would be difficult to top, but that was clearly not the case, for what followed was nothing less than a compilation of spectacular successes (ass-backwardly-stumbled-into) which were all immediately forgotten in the pursuit of something shinier and/or easier to squeeze.

  • Evidence of the existence of extra-terrestrial life- not cuddly. Now, neuter a Tribble, and we’ll talk. If you don’t know what a Tribble is, go wedgie a nerd, Plaxico*.
  • Fountain of youth- not portable. Or squeezy.
  • Cure for the cold- very matte. Not shiny in the least.
  • Spiritual enlightenment- entirely too intangible.
  • World peace- Too… much trou-excuse me. Woah! What the hell is that over there?!

At any rate, I eventually tired of accidentally solving (and subsequently discarding the solutions to) humankind’s problems, so I took up drumming, which, for the most part, is less higher brain function think-making, and more hitting things with sticks to make sounds. I now do this regularly with my band, Valentino, around the state of Texas and wherever beer and a stage may be found.

*I originally intended to use the name of a perfectly quintessential ‘jock’ here, but I was drawing a complete blank, and couldn’t think of the name of anyone who ever did anything, sports-related or otherwise. I left this blank, until Plaxico Burress came to mind, because he seems like something of an ignorant asshole. Long story short, ‘moderate safesearch’ be damned, don’t run a Google image search for the word ‘jock.’ Ever.

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